BREAKING NEWS: Ford Innovation Takes New Direction
The staggering announcements from Ford continue today: first the merger with BMW and now this new announcement with Honda. With strong U.S. sales and the promise of being rid of the idiot idiot U.S. President in 2016, Ford is determined to position itself to become the #1 auto maker in the world.
Ford Press Release follows:
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FORD INNOVATION TAKES NEW DIRECTION
Contact: Hero-san
Honda OEM Technology (HOT) 011-81-3-438-3278
Dearborn, Michigan. April 1, 2012 - Ford Motor Company has a long history of necessarily turning to OEM technology when the company’s own engineering and research labs have been effected by the latest reorganization. Past examples of this include Manly for H-beam connecting rods, Recaro seating, Brembo braking, and more. By partnering in the aftermarket instead of innovating at home, the net result is better products all around.
Today, Ford announces a new partner: Honda OEM Technology (HOT). HOT will supply Ford with i-VTEC (Intelligent Variable Valve Timing and Lift Electronic Control) technology for use on selected Ford engines beginning in the 2011 model year.
“Ford performance vehicles, particularly SVT products, have historically sucked. The addition of i-VTEC to legacy Ford engines is the single best strategy for Ford to pursue. I am also pleased to announce today that we are in early negotiation with Ford for licensing HOT suspension technology as well”. – Motoharu “Gan san” Kurosawa, HOT Consultant.
The idea to partner with HOT was the brainchild of Billy Ford, chairman and CEO, Ford Motor Company. “I like the idea of revving higher and higher”, said Billy, “Normally my ideas run out of oxygen but now we can go to new heights and stay high longer.”
Ford turned to Honda OEM Technology as part of its comprehensive reorganization plan, known as “Waaaay Forward”, to revitalize the appeal of its North American products. Ford Product Planners conducted extensive market research and found to its surprise that the demographic it had been building performance products for – known in the planning department as “straight-liners” – does in fact represent less than .000001 of the marketplace and that the vast majority of the remaining market prefers vehicles that are fun and dynamic over a wide range of driving conditions. Thus the benefits of the partnership with HOT will revitalize Ford products for mainstream buyers. An added bonus to consumers is the extensive engineering testing that HOT technology is subjected to, leading to extraordinary quality and longevity.
“We’ll never appease the pushrod snobs” – Hau Thai-Tang, former head of SVT and currently living under a bridge near the former site of the Ford Atlanta Assembly Plant.
Ford engineers have been testing the new-to-Ford technology for the past 2 years on public roads. One particularly popular car with young Ford engineers is a test mule built from the concept car formerly known as the “BOSS 604”, now painted a stealthy green. The car is popular with Ford’s young engineers and is usually the first car requested for weekend use. Except for the none-too-stealthy badge on the rear trunk lid, the public would be hard pressed to identify this as a manufacturing test vehicle.
In fact, that car is a test bed for Ford’s first product built with HOT – a 5 liter double-overhead cam (DOHC) V-8 engine producing 500 horsepower @ 8000 RPM (100hp/liter) under the rigorous Society of Automotive Engineers (SAE) test procedure J2723. Furthermore, the engine meets tough Tier II and ULEV emissions standards. The engine will debut in 2015. Future evolution – particularly in the underpinning Ford legacy parts – is expected to yield as much as 120HP/liter.
“The development costs associated with adapting HOT technology to legacy Ford engines is the reason we had to cancel our product plans for all but one special-edition Mustang. We needed so many funds to totally re-engineer that car and get it right for 2015 that I ended up cancelling myself as well” – Phil Martens, former group vice president, Product Creation, North America, Ford Motor Company.
Charts explaining how i-VTEC technology contributes to emissions and drivability.
PRESS MATERIALS
Ford Engineering Technician performing fuel economy calibration in Prototype #1 near Allen Park, MI
Note VTEC badge on trunk lid
;-) April Fools!
BREAKING NEWS: 2015 Mustang product plan revealed
A question foremost in the minds of motoring enthusiasts around the world is what direction Ford will take for the next Mustang. It’s an open secret that a new Mustang will be released in April 2014 on the 50th anniversary of the original Mustang.
A key element in Ford’s strategy was announced today: the outright purchase of BMW. BMW will be folded into Ford as a new division. And, in keeping with the “One Ford” plan, BMW’s existing product plan will be modified to use Ford chassis technology and parts.
The new BMW division has also been ordered to adopt Ford “muscle” styling clichés in order to appeal to the market demographic known as “old fat guys in their 50s”. These are former straight-liners who have reached their economic plateau and seek the appearance of sophistication, but because they have passed their physical and mental prime, need the comfort and reassurance of familiar Ford styling and technology. The SVT M4 will feature wide flat seats, special door hinges for ease of ingress, a “tried and true” inline 6 cylinder engine from Ford of Australia, raised white letter tires, and a 4-link solid rear axle with “quad shocks”. It will be the first product on the market from the new BMW division.
Conversely, spy pictures reveal that the new 2015 Mustang will borrow upmarket BMW styling “influences” in an attempt to retain anxious Mustang buyers who have been leaving for Hyundai and Kia. To speed the new product to market, and as part of Billy Ford’s continued campaign against all things “Jac Nasser”, the Mustang will go back to the SN95 platform. The tooling for the SN95 had been sent to Venezuela in 2005 to be used for a new product there, but the dictator Chavez stopped shipment at the entry port and sent it home saying he didn’t want a “Yankee hand-me-down”. A plan was then formed to use it as the basis of a new Jeepney in the Philippines in 2008, but that plan failed as well. As did a sale of it to the Chinese in 2010, where Hau Thai-Tang, Chairman of the Peoples Original Superior Car Company (POSCC), was quoted as saying “we’ve already copied it”.
So it was conveniently available for use by the 2015 Mustang, and handily met the financial budget as well. The following spy pictures show a final production sign-off prototype, parked outside the palatial suburban Detroit home of returning Team Mustang Chief Janine Bay. When told that the secret plans had been revealed by the press, Ms. Bay was quoted as saying that “the SN95 platform, an update of the FOX platform designed in the middle 70s, ain’t broke and will continue to provide a loyal and faithful basis for the Mustang at least into the 22nd century”.
;-) Happy April Fools Day (or is it?)
Breaking news: Subaru announces Twin-Turbo BRZ!
Incredible news from Subaru, released just this afternoon in time for April. Everything everyone around the world wanted for our favorite new sports car, all delivered at once and in a single package.
How’s that for responsiveness to their customers? And Subaru certainly understands the power of the Internet!
Subaru Press Release follows:
April 1, 2013
SUBARU SURRENDERS AND CONFIRMS AWD TURBO CONVERTIBLE TWO-SEATER DIESEL HYBRID BRZ
- Maker Gives in And Admits Everything
Cherry Hill, N.J., – Bowing to continued media and internet speculation, Subaru of America has confirmed that it will launch an AWD Twin-Turbo Convertible two-seater Diesel Hybrid BRZ for sale in 2015. The new model essentially takes all of the media and internet rumors surrounding the highly successful BRZ sports car and delivers them in one fell swoop.
A spokesman for the company said: “Having just launched the current model to widespread critical acclaim, we are tired of fighting off the constant speculation about what’s “next” and so we are just giving in and delivering all the speculation in one vehicle.”
The new model, which is expected to have a starting price, will however NOT come with a much anticipated rear back-up camera. The spokesman confirmed that after shoehorning two convertible switches (up and down) onto the fascia there just wasn’t room for any more instruments. The AWD Turbo Convertible two-seater Diesel Hybrid BRZ will come in a single color, noseeum black and will be hand produced at Subaru’s Brigadoon facility.
More denials about future BRZ variants can be found at media.subaru.com
Happy April 1.
Redneck Haiku tribute to chrome girls on mudflaps
We’ve seen these hundreds of times on 18-wheeler trucks… but on a Mini? OMG! Here’s one in Tennessee.
So as long as it’s ok with somebody, we’ll present our tribute to Rednecks.
REDNECK HAIKU
BEAUTY
Naked in repose
Silvery silhouette girls
Adorn my mudflaps
REMORSE
A painful sadness
Can’t fit big screen TV through
Double-wide’s front door
OPTIONS
Unemployment’s out.
Hey, maybe I can get on
Disability
BLAZE
Distant siren screams
Dumb-ass Verne’s been playing with
Gasoline again
A NEW MOON
Flashlights pierce darkness
No nightcrawlers to be found
Guess we’ll gig some frogs
EXUBERANCE
Joyous, playful, bright
Trailer park girl rolls in puddle
Of old motor oil
ALONE
Seeking solitude
Carl’s ex-wife Tammy files for
Restraining order
DESIRE
Damn, in that tube-top
You make me almost forget
you are my cousin
OFFERINGS
Tonight we hunger
Grandma sent grocery money
To Jimmy Swaggert
DRAMA
Set the VCR
Dukes of Hazzard Marathon
At 9 O’Clock
DEPRIVED
In WalMart toy aisle
Wailing boy wants ‘rassling doll
Mama whups his ass
NO SIGNAL
White noise, buzzing static
Call Earl; satellite dish
needs new descrambler
IMPOUNDED
Sixty-five dollars
And cyclone fence keeps me from
My El Camino
GATHERING
In early morning mist
Mama searches Circle K for
Moon Pies and Red Man
PRIDE
Grinning, he displays
The nine hundred beer cans
Filling pickup bed
The Most Interesting Man in the World… on Cars
The Most Interesting Man in the World is a series of television commercials for Dos Equis beer. The character of the Most Interesting Man is played by Jonathan Goldsmith, portraying a sophisticated and worldly man who has done nearly everything there is to do. Read a good interview with the actor here.
Each commercial features several of his current and past exploits, and ends with his signature line “I don’t always drink beer, but when I do, I prefer Dos Equis” and “Stay thirsty, my friends”. Snappy lines like “When in Rome, they do as he does” and “He bowls… overhand” add to the legend.
His current exploits usually revolve around at least two sexy women, and such things as feeding his cat – actually a pet cougar! And past exploits involve feats such as kayak skydiving. Here’s an example:
But like all great commercials, multiple parodies are inevitable (as eventually happened with the Geico Cavemen series). Here’s one that related to our favorite hobby:
An entire series of parody images have been made around this character. Here’s one of our favorites, not a car topic, but one near and dear to our own heart:
There are no shortages of opinion here as to who is actually the most interesting man in the world. Some think it is Chuck Norris. Or is it Saddam? And there are more and more parodies by the hundreds. And then there is the opposite: the Least Interesting Man in the World (“He doesn’t drink beer. He’s not thirsty and has no friends. He is the least interesting man in the world.”). And here’s our own vote for the Most Arrogant Man in the World.
Rogues Gallery: The Ruination of The Hobby
1) Aftermarket Embarrassment
Exhaust pipe spinners
Cross-drilled brake lines.
Hello Kitty exhaust tip
Fake scoops. An affliction the Mustang is particularly susceptible to.
High-rise cowl hoods: with absolutely nothing underneath. Made for poseurs.
Dubs and scissor doors. One question – WHY? Next question – would you like to race me down the canyon?
Fake stick-on racing brake covers
Flame thrower conversion – note car already on fire
Just the thing for SUV poseurs… the ones with the big bumpers, brush guards, driving lights, and raised suspension. The ones who *never* go off road… and spend more time polishing their ride because they can no longer afford the gas for it.
We don’t even know what these are.. they stick out about 10 inches. How incredibly stupid. What is the point?
2) Flaming Idiots & Jerks
What can we say?
Max Mosley: yikes, what can we say? He was a great leader? He put on a master race? He knew how to whip them into submission? Um… um… um…
Made political points for his political boss with his “park your cars” statement. How about if we park his boss in a ditch this November?
Apt description of owner on license plate
Driver leaning on door with cellphone and thumbs-up grip on the steering wheel
Teach ‘em how to smoke ‘em, just like Mom.
Spenser F. Katt: the well-equipped driver
3) Mediocre Crapola
Commie crap.. yet another example of everything that failed.
Volkswagen Beetle. The single worst car ever made. From which the brand will never recover.
Why Renault is no longer in the 1st world market
The worst sportscar design ever. With the engine in the absolute worst possible place.
Vega: rust bucket with a motor that consumes itself from the inside out
Cobalt. A recent leaked statement by their new head of product development asked quote “how this piece of crap ever got out the door”.
Canyon/Colorado: the ugliest pickup truck… in the world.
4) When It’s Doomed
When the floorpan of your 1st car rusts out from under you – literally. And the gadawful rustbelt city you live in is at 20 degrees below zero!
“If it ain’t broke dont fix it”. This is literally how your brand-focused car magazine explains in their yearly new-car issue the product development methodology of a car that never significantly changes because the company doesn’t invest any real money in it. In this example, for 15 model years and counting.
Snobs and elitists: the single worst element of this hobby
5) Our favorite cars ruined (a)
The single worst S2000 in the world. Thanks a lot, Fast and Furious 2.
When they cancel their fabulous sportscar and replace it with this.
6) Our favorite cars ruined (b)
Incredible jerk that used to run SVT. When buyers ask why the new Mustang doesn’t have an independent rear suspension, all he can say is (quote) “We’ll never appease those IRS snobs”. Thankfully he was shown the door and banished to South America where he can sell plenty of cars with oxcart rear suspensions.
Spyshot of secret Ford Mustang test vehicle – note VTEC technology licensed from Honda
Second worse aftermarket Mustang ever – for one of the worst TV shows ever. The Knight Rider franchise should have been left as it was.
The single worst aftermarket Mustang ever. What the heck were they thinking? Could you loan me a Ruger Blackhawk to put this thing out of its misery?